Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

Bloody internet 😳

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

My patience has stretch marks.

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.