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[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
The cycle continues
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks