Matt Goss
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‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
pictures of spider-man
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Goat cheese is for herders.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do