Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

Saturday

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

What do you text your spouse?

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK