My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
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“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
This is I, Robot all over again
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?