My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
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I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter