Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?

My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Finally, an explanation.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

Dishonest mechanic?

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”