Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

Lmao 😁

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.