Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.