Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

*bites zombie*

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.