Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.