if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
