Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

こいつ天才

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

I saw this ending much differently.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside