8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW