IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.