People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
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Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask