Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

In 2024 a leather ‘mosh pit diaper’ went on sale, aimed at adults who didn’t want to queue for toilets at concerts. It sold out within 24 hours.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

eggs benadryl

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon