I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
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I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.