Trains are just sideway elevators.
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Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it