Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate