Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
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The word Ohio looks like a tractor
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Don’t tell me what to do
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.