Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

me when i smell free food in the break room

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?