Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

asked my bf how work was today

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

23. the denim jacket

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.