Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”