Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference