People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.