In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
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I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Okey dokey.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Something Saturday.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*