In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
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I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead