[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Life is a suicide mission.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT