Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
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When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.