When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
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Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
work smarter, not harder
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
how to exercise your calf muscles
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.