credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
What
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
