Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
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The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
🌱🌱🌱
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.