If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
This will never not be funny to me.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.