Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court