Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
You Might Also Like
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
it takes so much energy
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Holy moly
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*