what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
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I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
it is time once again
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.