“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
You Might Also Like
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.