Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.