sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
You Might Also Like
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]