Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.