Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no