Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
