Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
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[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
Not😆🤣
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.