judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
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Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.