Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box