Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

Confused owl: What?!

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts