Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
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You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?