I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
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I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
No, he would not have.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Please vote for people who are attractive
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Not today.. 😂
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s