Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
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My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
me when somebody idk start touching me
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.