this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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j o i m p
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
dude it’s called proctologist
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.