[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
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ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Only a mother’s love …
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.